Catching Up

Sorry for not keeping this blog as up to date as I should. Suffice to say I still have my darling Lilith and spent a very pleasant week with her in Munich - Hopefully the first of many, many more.

Dreams...

At the moment I am daydreaming about my dear little submissive and thinking about how she is going to serve me. I cannot believe just how important she has become to me and how dependent I am on her - I need to know that she is there for me so that I can feel whole as a Master and I know that she has a very strong need to know that her Master loves her and cares for her.
Oh well...back to work and perhaps one day I might even reveal what my daydream was about, but Lilith can rest assured that it involved her and a good spanking.

On Contracts

For me the most important thing in our relationship is to have a good detailed contract. This is something we have been working on for a long time - and I think it will always be a work in progress because as we discover more about each other there will be things that we want to add or change. This is something for both of us to work on as my dear submissive is allowed free will in some things and there is also my duty as her Master to protect her from emotional, physical or spiritual harm and to set fair limits for both of us. to give an example we have safe words to make sure that we do not go beyond the agreed limits in everyday things but we have also agreed that there are no safe words to be used when she is being disciplined - but to protect her well-being there is a stop word to be used if she needs a break to protect her health - and of course there is also the trust between us that I will do her no harm.
There is also something else about our contract - it is very detailed in what my lovely submissive will do to serve her Master - and because of that it is something that is very arousing to read - think I'll have to stay at my desk for a while now :-)

Commitment

I am not really sure how to say this but since all the difficulties of last week and all the tears and misunderstandings there is one thing that I am now more certain of than anything ever before and that is that I want to keep my sweet submissive Lilith for ever. She is unlike anyone I have ever known before and she is so sweet and loving and full of trust that I cannot bear the thought of being without her.
Once again perhaps these will not be seen as the words or thoughts of a typical Master, I am not able to be cold or dispassionate because I am the owner of a very real and very emotional woman made of flesh and blood and who gives me love and respect as well as her total trust and who gives me strength through her submission.

Difficulties

Some things are really difficult at the moment, my beloved submissive has had a set back with her health, our plans have had to be put on hold and there have been a lot of tears and sadness so on the surface there is not much to be happy about. Over the last few days I have started to realise just how much Lilith really means to me, especially because of some of the fears I have had and to be perfectly honest I don't think I have ever felt such deep emotions in my life. Perhaps this is breaking the unwritten Master's code of being cool and dispassionate and having a bit of distance from your submissive but if it is I don't really care. I don't think there are any right or wrong answers and as I have said before, our relationship gets deeper and more meaningful because of the emotions we have invested.

Nerves

In a few days time my darling submissive is coming to stay and I am really looking forward to doing a lot of catching up with her and helping her to feel calm and relaxed as she is very nervous because she had some pretty bad experiences on her journey of discovery. I am also nervous as I want things to be right for her - one of her worries is that I will be disappointed with her and I have a similar feeling of not wanting to disappoint her, we are taking a big step together and I think I would be more worried if there we were not feeling a little fearful.
I am really looking forward to the day of her collaring but I am also very nervous as it is a really big milestone in our relationship and I am feeling a little bit like I am being pulled in two different directions - on one hand I want it to be a really special and romantic occasion as she is the girl I love and on the other I want it to be really powerful and dramatic to heighten the sense of purpose and making an important lifestyle choice for us both.

Going Deeper

As a result of how Lilith reacted when I wrote about discipline I thought that it would be only right that she has the opportunity to contribute directly to the blog and so I have invited her to become a co-writer. This is because she is such an important part of my search that I think it is necessary for her to say things directly instead of as a response to what I am thinking and feeling and I am allowing her to do this because I trust her and also because it will give me considerable pleasure and one of the most important things for her is to give her Master pleasure.